Thursday, February 21, 2008


The last 6 months have been filled with interesting, exciting, deeply disturbing and sad events. Life is like that I guess but so many have never seemed to happen in such a short time for me.

My brother died, I had an almost-affair (exciting but no,no,no), I was able to go with my son and daughter in law to help them move to Seattle (fun), I met a new girlfriend who I like and can relate to, my long-time, raw foods guru friend, Jim, was killed in a freakish semi-truck accident on his way to Austin, Tx., I got sick with bad colds/flus after both of the deaths and then recently one of my dearest friends, Steve, had a serious, life-altering stroke at only 40 years old, the outcome of which we'll not know for some time.

My head has been spinning for about the last half and downs. I gotta admit that the downs have affected me most. Whew!

So for several weeks now I've been spending a lot of time alone, by choice...I think?!? I continue to go over in my mind some of the "bigger" if you will, questions about, what does my (or anyone's) life mean? What do I want from the rest of my life, however much of it I have left? Who do I want to be in my life and for what reasons? What does having a friend really mean or being a friend, for that matter? What do I really want to do for work? How do I want to I want to contribute? What do I really enjoy? What says "fun" to me? Why have these things happened to the people in my life? Some of the answers I guess I already know...there is no meaning except what I put there and things happen sometimes very randomly, with reasons, of course, but often reasons we'll never be able to discover.

I'm aware that I'm certainly not the first to ask questions like this. I think maybe it's a common mid-life thing. I guess with having these events happen bam, bam, bam it's forced me to think on these kinds of questions. I am both, just like every other human being and one in a million, as each of us is. So, nothing special, yet something very special. Now what?

Then here's something I've come to with all these happenings and musings...In reality I've lost one of my best friends and until my friend who had a stroke recovers, I've effectively lost him, too.
I guess one of the things that has some meaning for me is that I want some new friends...not acquaintances or social chit-chatters but a couple of real friends with whom I can share ideas, sorrows and joys. Nothing complicated, just a couple of folks to whom I can relate on a more than superficial level. I always had my friend Jim and my friend Steve to talk with and did so at least weekly, if not more often. I guess, then, that my time alone has been fruitful in that I have, at least, discovered that I'd like a couple of new friends.I guess I'll be open to and be willing to invite a couple of new chums into my life.

All the other thinking as not yet resolved itself and I continue to spend time alone to attempt to think those all through.

If you have answers, comments or whatever, I'm always happy to have a look...maybe it will spark something in my questioning that will show a resolution for the questions I'm pondering.